Lucas's Delivery and early days

After my attempts to flip my son failed, I was scheduled for my repeat C-Section on my due date. I only got any sleep the days between my ultrasound and the surgery by a sleeping medication. My OB and I talked and I agreed that the effects of the medication were less than the possible effects on my well being and my psyche if I didn't sleep for 5 days due to panic and worry.

My husband and I did not inform anyone but my Doula and my mother, whom was living with us as the time and was watching Vinny while we were in the hospital, that we were going in for the surgery. Pretty sure we didn't even tell anyone that we discovered he was breech. I just didn't want to hear about it.

We arrived at the hospital at 6am and I met the residents on call and on my request they did another ultrasound to verify the baby had not moved. Once it was verified the traffic started.

I don't know if it was the hospital or my OBs notes in my chart, but the various doctors and nurses that I interacted with that morning were wonderful. They all took extra time discussing my last experience, which caused me to develop PTSD, making sure to do everything possible to make this a happy day.

I remember going down to the OR. I was cold and shaking. Nervous. I was standing outside of my OR with my husband next to me and then I was led it. The OB was standing outside the room with Vince. He told me later that she asked how he was and he said that he was just worried about me because he knew I was nervous.

My OB immediately left him and came in the OR to hold my hand along with the awesome nurse while I was getting my anesthesia. I remember the two of them laughing with me about something, who knows what. But I was laughing so hard that the Anesthesiologist yelled at them to stop making me laugh. I really appreciated the way they were holding me and comforting me.

This surgery was much different. There wasn't the same level of fear and uncertainty as last time. Lucas was born at 9:15am and unlike last time, he was brought to Vince and I right after he was cleaned. Vince held him the rest of the surgery. The nurse even took the first pictures of us. My sweet baby boy.
The rest of the surgery went fine. There was a lot more repair work as they call it because of the previous scar. I was also told that they couldn't use the previous entry area because it was too low. My OB later apologized for the "Stripes". I also developed about a week later a severe reaction to the prep medication they used. My body was one huge rash from breast to knees and from Left to Right. Not fun especially when recovering from major surgery.

The early days with Vinny and Lucas were great. Breastfeeding was much easier with Lucas. I think it also helped being surrounded by other moms who were breastfeeding so it was a comfortable experience. We spent a lot of time outside with our Playgroup friends. Madison was fantastic that summer. I think this helped combat the normal baby blues that you experience and also helped keep away the PPD that I was likely to develop.

I felt pretty good about everything. Vinny was being such a great big brother and was adjusting well. I wasn't even upset about the surgery. That is until about 3 months in. I remember being in the shower just a few weeks before I was heading back to work and I lost it.

I was disappointed, hurt and angry. I don't know why really. I mean I know why but I don't really understand that thing about women. Why do we always second guess everything we do, every decision we make. Its not like I can change it and thinking about does nothing except make me feel like a failure all over again.

Shortly after that incident, some other local women and I started a chapter of the International Cesearean Awareness Network (ICAN). A place where we can all be honest about how feelings and experiences and we all get it. These women all understand why I feel cheated, why I envy those who got the vaginal births I didn't. Its nice to have another woman look at you as you tell them it pisses you off when someone who doesn't care about how they give birth, and tell you they get it.

Last Days of Pregnancy. When my OB became my friend.

March 2010 I had a bit of a mental breakdown. My due date was fast approaching and I started to panic about my choice for a VBAC. Not because I was afraid it was unsafe but because I was afraid I would fail. For those of you who know me personally, you know that I hate to fail. But I hate failing even more when it is out of my control. I went back to therapy to discuss this and basically my therapist asked "Well what if you do have a C-Section? What can you do about that?" She was basically right, and I said short of my son being Breech, my having a C-Section would mean that I had exhausted all other options and it was the only way.

I left her office feeling empowered. I began speaking more clearly with my OB and her partners about my situation and my wants. I was in touch with my Doula regularly. I even started acupuncture, something that I am not 100% sure I believe in. At 36 weeks, my OBs partner asked if I would like an "exam" which for those of you who are not familiar means she would check to see if my cervix was opening or thinning out. At that time, there wasn't anything happening. She also asked if I would like to have an ultrasound to check the baby's position.

Now at this point in a pregnancy, some OBs will use this ultrasound to start talking about "how big" your baby will be. I did not want to give them any opportunity to argue me into a C-Section so I declined and opted for her to use her skills to feel my baby and tell me his position. She told me that she was about 95% sure he was head down. Good enough for me and for my acupuncturist.

I began weekly massage, acupuncture, and chiropractic appointments to "prepare" my body for labor and to also maybe jump start it as well. At 39 weeks and 1 day (May 5th), I went into my OBs office to have her strip my membranes hoping this would also help me along. Upon inserting her fingers into my vagina, she tells me that he is so far up and she can't feel him at all. She then asks me if they ever did an ultrasound to verify his position. When I had told her no, she says "Lets just go take a quick peek. We won't measure or anything else."

She had the wand on me for about 20 seconds before she exclaimed, "Shit." My son was breech. To this day I don't even know what type of breech he was because I went into shock. I couldn't react. I had no emotion. Breech. Breech at 39 weeks and 1 day.

I remember everything about that afternoon and the following days, and yet I remember nothing. I was numb. I had a complete and utter melt down on the highway 24 hrs later. I ended up in my OBs office at 4pm on Friday drinking something with a monitor on my baby because I claimed I couldn't feel him moving. I don't remember if I could or not. Or if I was just looking for a reason to see my Doctor and cry in front of her, to show her my disappointment. Did I think it would change the situation? I don't know. Maybe some part of me hoped she would say, "Ya know what? Let's do it anyway. I can deliver a Breech Baby." But I don't even know the answer to that question. I never asked and she never said.

I will say that that 30 mins or so I spent in her office that afternoon, bonded me with her. I love my OB. She's funny and smart. Even used to be an accountant before going to med school. But this day, we bonded like friends. Gossiping about our crazy families etc. I think that was the moment I realized she was going to make sure my surgery was going to be the greatest she could make it for me. Never was said, but I knew it somehow.

Pregnancy update

Its been a while since I've posted and since I can't really think of anything to blog about I will just do some general updates.

I am 26 weeks pregnant this week. Things are going better than they were earlier. I am not as sick and I finally have got the heartburn under control (thank you prilosec!) I have been feeling the baby move so much more than I ever felt my first son. Its quite strange but also comforting knowing that he's in there moving around having a good time or so I hope.

I found out a couple weeks ago that my younger sister is pregnant. Although she hasn't figured out how far along she is so we'll see how close our kids will be in age. My mother has moved in with us to help take care of the kids. Things have been challenging getting used to sharing our space with someone else, but hopefully it will just keep getting easier.

I think we've finally decided on a name for the baby however we've decided to keep it under wraps until he's born. Partially because we have changed our minds a couple of times and partially because we think it would be a fun surprise.

I've been feeling the stress of preparing for the baby lately. Mostly in preparation of being on maternity leave. I really want to be home with the kids atleast for 12 weeks but financially speaking I don't believe we can afford it. It looks like I will have to go back to work after my Short Term Disability insurance payments expire. Its sad. I really want to spend as much time with my kiddos as possible but unfortunately our country is not very baby/mother friendly and its just frustrating.

Thoughts about Labor/Delivery

Since the birth of my first son via C-section, I have worked toward and prepared for a VBAC (vaginal birth after C-section). Selfishly I know that most of the reason for my wanting to attempt the VBAC is that I need closure from my first experience. I would never choose my VBAC success over the life of my second son if it gets to that point, however I know that I cannot let myself give up on this dream.

Up until a few days ago, I have had no second thoughts or worries about this event, other than whether or not my doctor would be supportive. I can't even say that my recent worries are "second thoughts" but I have become increasingly apprehensive about the day that will come sometime in the next 18 weeks. I am due in a bit less than 16 weeks but I have already had the discussion with my doctor about letting me go to 42 weeks without medical inductions if everything is going well with me and the baby.

I suppose I am just getting the normal nerves that come with labor. I am not afraid of labor or contractions as I did have them with son #1's birth. I have hired a doula who will support me and my husband so I am not afraid of not knowing what to do. I think I am just worried that even if I do succeed, that this will not solve or close the door on my lingering feelings of my Cesarean.

Mommy Guilt

I have been a member of the "Mommy Guilt" club since before my 1st child was born in 2007. I could always find a reason to feel guilty about some thing I wasn't giving him or not being able to spend more time with him etc. You get the picture. Well now that I am pregnant with Son #2 (we found out before Christmas we will have another boy) Mommy Guilt has gotten worse.

For example, my husband and I have good jobs. We are lucky to have them and to make ok money. However, daycare full-time for 2 children would amount to something like $2000/month. An expense that would just kill us financially. We are still playing student loans and struggling to recover from the paycuts that I had to take last year so it would put us further in debt.
Luckily my mother has agreed to move in with us and take care of our children for basically free. We are going to pay her but it will be much less than a daycare center. Here is where the Guilt sets in. My son LOVES daycare and does so well with the program. The kid is not even 3 and knows his left and right, to count to 20, to 5 in Spanish, etc etc. So now that my mom is watching him to save us some money I feel guilty.

I felt guilty when the kid was in Daycare 9 hours a day and I got to spend maybe 3 hours a day during the week with him and now I feel guilty that he isn't in daycare with his little friends. I just can't get a break.