Since the birth of my first son via C-section, I have worked toward and prepared for a VBAC (vaginal birth after C-section). Selfishly I know that most of the reason for my wanting to attempt the VBAC is that I need closure from my first experience. I would never choose my VBAC success over the life of my second son if it gets to that point, however I know that I cannot let myself give up on this dream.
Up until a few days ago, I have had no second thoughts or worries about this event, other than whether or not my doctor would be supportive. I can't even say that my recent worries are "second thoughts" but I have become increasingly apprehensive about the day that will come sometime in the next 18 weeks. I am due in a bit less than 16 weeks but I have already had the discussion with my doctor about letting me go to 42 weeks without medical inductions if everything is going well with me and the baby.
I suppose I am just getting the normal nerves that come with labor. I am not afraid of labor or contractions as I did have them with son #1's birth. I have hired a doula who will support me and my husband so I am not afraid of not knowing what to do. I think I am just worried that even if I do succeed, that this will not solve or close the door on my lingering feelings of my Cesarean.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Mommy Guilt
I have been a member of the "Mommy Guilt" club since before my 1st child was born in 2007. I could always find a reason to feel guilty about some thing I wasn't giving him or not being able to spend more time with him etc. You get the picture. Well now that I am pregnant with Son #2 (we found out before Christmas we will have another boy) Mommy Guilt has gotten worse.
For example, my husband and I have good jobs. We are lucky to have them and to make ok money. However, daycare full-time for 2 children would amount to something like $2000/month. An expense that would just kill us financially. We are still playing student loans and struggling to recover from the paycuts that I had to take last year so it would put us further in debt.
Luckily my mother has agreed to move in with us and take care of our children for basically free. We are going to pay her but it will be much less than a daycare center. Here is where the Guilt sets in. My son LOVES daycare and does so well with the program. The kid is not even 3 and knows his left and right, to count to 20, to 5 in Spanish, etc etc. So now that my mom is watching him to save us some money I feel guilty.
I felt guilty when the kid was in Daycare 9 hours a day and I got to spend maybe 3 hours a day during the week with him and now I feel guilty that he isn't in daycare with his little friends. I just can't get a break.
For example, my husband and I have good jobs. We are lucky to have them and to make ok money. However, daycare full-time for 2 children would amount to something like $2000/month. An expense that would just kill us financially. We are still playing student loans and struggling to recover from the paycuts that I had to take last year so it would put us further in debt.
Luckily my mother has agreed to move in with us and take care of our children for basically free. We are going to pay her but it will be much less than a daycare center. Here is where the Guilt sets in. My son LOVES daycare and does so well with the program. The kid is not even 3 and knows his left and right, to count to 20, to 5 in Spanish, etc etc. So now that my mom is watching him to save us some money I feel guilty.
I felt guilty when the kid was in Daycare 9 hours a day and I got to spend maybe 3 hours a day during the week with him and now I feel guilty that he isn't in daycare with his little friends. I just can't get a break.
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