My husband and I did not inform anyone but my Doula and my mother, whom was living with us as the time and was watching Vinny while we were in the hospital, that we were going in for the surgery. Pretty sure we didn't even tell anyone that we discovered he was breech. I just didn't want to hear about it.
We arrived at the hospital at 6am and I met the residents on call and on my request they did another ultrasound to verify the baby had not moved. Once it was verified the traffic started.
I don't know if it was the hospital or my OBs notes in my chart, but the various doctors and nurses that I interacted with that morning were wonderful. They all took extra time discussing my last experience, which caused me to develop PTSD, making sure to do everything possible to make this a happy day.
I remember going down to the OR. I was cold and shaking. Nervous. I was standing outside of my OR with my husband next to me and then I was led it. The OB was standing outside the room with Vince. He told me later that she asked how he was and he said that he was just worried about me because he knew I was nervous.
My OB immediately left him and came in the OR to hold my hand along with the awesome nurse while I was getting my anesthesia. I remember the two of them laughing with me about something, who knows what. But I was laughing so hard that the Anesthesiologist yelled at them to stop making me laugh. I really appreciated the way they were holding me and comforting me.
This surgery was much different. There wasn't the same level of fear and uncertainty as last time. Lucas was born at 9:15am and unlike last time, he was brought to Vince and I right after he was cleaned. Vince held him the rest of the surgery. The nurse even took the first pictures of us. My sweet baby boy.
The rest of the surgery went fine. There was a lot more repair work as they call it because of the previous scar. I was also told that they couldn't use the previous entry area because it was too low. My OB later apologized for the "Stripes". I also developed about a week later a severe reaction to the prep medication they used. My body was one huge rash from breast to knees and from Left to Right. Not fun especially when recovering from major surgery.The early days with Vinny and Lucas were great. Breastfeeding was much easier with Lucas. I think it also helped being surrounded by other moms who were breastfeeding so it was a comfortable experience. We spent a lot of time outside with our Playgroup friends. Madison was fantastic that summer. I think this helped combat the normal baby blues that you experience and also helped keep away the PPD that I was likely to develop.
I felt pretty good about everything. Vinny was being such a great big brother and was adjusting well. I wasn't even upset about the surgery. That is until about 3 months in. I remember being in the shower just a few weeks before I was heading back to work and I lost it.
I was disappointed, hurt and angry. I don't know why really. I mean I know why but I don't really understand that thing about women. Why do we always second guess everything we do, every decision we make. Its not like I can change it and thinking about does nothing except make me feel like a failure all over again.
Shortly after that incident, some other local women and I started a chapter of the International Cesearean Awareness Network (ICAN). A place where we can all be honest about how feelings and experiences and we all get it. These women all understand why I feel cheated, why I envy those who got the vaginal births I didn't. Its nice to have another woman look at you as you tell them it pisses you off when someone who doesn't care about how they give birth, and tell you they get it.
No comments:
Post a Comment