March 2010 I had a bit of a mental breakdown. My due date was fast approaching and I started to panic about my choice for a VBAC. Not because I was afraid it was unsafe but because I was afraid I would fail. For those of you who know me personally, you know that I hate to fail. But I hate failing even more when it is out of my control. I went back to therapy to discuss this and basically my therapist asked "Well what if you do have a C-Section? What can you do about that?" She was basically right, and I said short of my son being Breech, my having a C-Section would mean that I had exhausted all other options and it was the only way.
I left her office feeling empowered. I began speaking more clearly with my OB and her partners about my situation and my wants. I was in touch with my Doula regularly. I even started acupuncture, something that I am not 100% sure I believe in. At 36 weeks, my OBs partner asked if I would like an "exam" which for those of you who are not familiar means she would check to see if my cervix was opening or thinning out. At that time, there wasn't anything happening. She also asked if I would like to have an ultrasound to check the baby's position.
Now at this point in a pregnancy, some OBs will use this ultrasound to start talking about "how big" your baby will be. I did not want to give them any opportunity to argue me into a C-Section so I declined and opted for her to use her skills to feel my baby and tell me his position. She told me that she was about 95% sure he was head down. Good enough for me and for my acupuncturist.
I began weekly massage, acupuncture, and chiropractic appointments to "prepare" my body for labor and to also maybe jump start it as well. At 39 weeks and 1 day (May 5th), I went into my OBs office to have her strip my membranes hoping this would also help me along. Upon inserting her fingers into my vagina, she tells me that he is so far up and she can't feel him at all. She then asks me if they ever did an ultrasound to verify his position. When I had told her no, she says "Lets just go take a quick peek. We won't measure or anything else."
She had the wand on me for about 20 seconds before she exclaimed, "Shit." My son was breech. To this day I don't even know what type of breech he was because I went into shock. I couldn't react. I had no emotion. Breech. Breech at 39 weeks and 1 day.
I remember everything about that afternoon and the following days, and yet I remember nothing. I was numb. I had a complete and utter melt down on the highway 24 hrs later. I ended up in my OBs office at 4pm on Friday drinking something with a monitor on my baby because I claimed I couldn't feel him moving. I don't remember if I could or not. Or if I was just looking for a reason to see my Doctor and cry in front of her, to show her my disappointment. Did I think it would change the situation? I don't know. Maybe some part of me hoped she would say, "Ya know what? Let's do it anyway. I can deliver a Breech Baby." But I don't even know the answer to that question. I never asked and she never said.
I will say that that 30 mins or so I spent in her office that afternoon, bonded me with her. I love my OB. She's funny and smart. Even used to be an accountant before going to med school. But this day, we bonded like friends. Gossiping about our crazy families etc. I think that was the moment I realized she was going to make sure my surgery was going to be the greatest she could make it for me. Never was said, but I knew it somehow.
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